From scraping beloved theme-park sights to a porn-star-infused model of “The Little Mermaid,” Disney is exhibiting simply how woke it may be.

What if Disney modified the titles and film descriptions of its traditional tales to match that new outlook?

“Snow White & The 7 Dwarfs” – “Snow White: And The 7 People Who Are Shorter Than The Average Height for Those Identifying as Males And Females”

Synopsis: A teen with a womb falls right into a coma after biting an natural, non-GMO manipulated apple. The individual’s unconscious physique is discovered by seven little folks named Xe, Fae, Per, Them, Whiny, Triggered and Cancelled. They attempt to nurse the younger individual to well being however fail when the individual is sexually assaulted by a poisonous male claiming to be a “Prince.”

“Peter Pan” – “The Story Of The Pansexual Non-Gendered Young Person Who Lives In Neverland”

Synopsis: A gender-questionable rascal is right here to steal your youngsters and produce them to a magical world referred to as Neverland, the place nobody grows outdated or faces private accountability. Peter kidnaps three young-uns from the evil Victorian English empire and takes them on a whirlwind journey, aided by his enslaved fairy Tinkerbell, whom he forces to stay in a cage.

Whereas Peter does as little work as doable, they take outing of their day to harass the evil Captain Hook who misplaced his hand in a crocodile assault as a result of Peter’s excessive jinks. Stated villain is likely one of the solely adults within the magical realm who does any work.

“Aladdin” – “The Story of an Oppressed Minority Experiencing Homelessness”

Synopsis: A younger Muslim man, compelled to stay on the road and rob strangers to outlive, stumbles throughout a magic lamp. He modifies from oppressed to oppressor by rubbing the lamp. The younger Aladdin finds an enormous blue Genie compelled to grant him three needs.

Relatively than requesting wealth, fame or energy, Aladdin retains Genie enslaved for an prolonged interval as he stalks and harasses princess Jasmine and tries to woo her by pretending to be a prince.

“Sleeping Beauty” – “The Story of How A Prince Sexually Assaults A Princess”

Synopsis: After an evil witch locations a curse on her, Princess Aurora is doomed to loss of life if she pokes her finger on a spinning wheel. Nevertheless, three magical faeries change the curse, forcing her to fall right into a unending sleep as an alternative.

The horror doesn’t finish with the curse, nonetheless, as a result of the one solution to awaken Aurora is for a male-identifying determine to kiss her with out her consent. Sadly, the prince survives in the long run, however the studio could tweak that to offer this monster his comeuppance.

“Sword In the Stone” – “The Story Of A Boy, And The Minor-Attracted Wizard”

Synopsis: Set as soon as once more within the colonialist and imperialist England, a younger boy named Arthur leaves his white privilege behind when he’s lured by an aged wizard named Merlin. Merlin appears enamored with the lad, and whereas not overtly aggressive, the minor attracted wizard (MAW) exhibits the younger Arthur his tips. Love is love, in spite of everything. In some unspecified time in the future Arthur turns into king or no matter, however the true story right here is the bond between this outdated man and a tween.

“The Hunchback of Notre Dame” – “The Oppressed, Differently Abled Bell Minder”

Synopsis: A uniquely challenged soul who identifies as a male should stay in a French cathedral owned by the oppressive Catholic faith. Quasimodo can’t search for gainful employment as a result of that may pressure him out of the Cathedral, which ought to now rightfully belong to him because the church raised him.

After discovering himself interested in a neighborhood Romani chest feeder, Quasimodo murders an aged priest and is rightfully hailed as a hero to the folks of Paris.

“Song of The South” – Simply kidding! They’ll by no means remake this flick! Based on Disney, the movie by no means existed regardless of incomes two Oscars, together with an honorary award for black star James Baskett.

Donovan Sargent is the manager producer for “The Lars Larson Show,”a  political commentator, author and journalist with a ardour for popular culture and films.